Some Closed Doors

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I am typing this blog, as I gaze at one of my oil paintings kept on my table, left for drying from the past few days. Its a cobalt blue painting of a closed door. The door is an ordinary one, settled in an ordinary, dusty, wild locale. But when I saw this picture online, I was tempted to paint it. Why did I want to paint a closed door of all the gorgeous pictures I saw online seeking inspiration for my next oil painting? 

I dived into my canvas. I picked out my oil paints, brushes, oil soaked rag, and began painting this blue door.

I loved the blue. The blue that stood out in contrast, royal and bold, despite the green, messy twigs and creepers growing over it.

A fuschia foliage crawling all over it, hooding the royal blue with its windy falls. A wild bush taking shelter on its corners on the ground, crawling in to a comfortable creeper, growing wild and haywire, all over the royal blue door. 

I couldn't wait to complete my painting. There was so much chaos, yet so much beauty, encompassed on this simple blue door. As I felt my brushes sweep the pencil outline of the door with my favorite shade of cobalt blue, I wondered why we don't appreciate closed doors. And as I painted the blue, in all its grace, a line in Hindi popped inside my head, as if like a voice, trying to tell me something. This voice was familiar. It said " Kuch darwaaze band hi achche lagte hain "( Some doors are best when closed ).

I paused, my strokes too. I wondered how deep this voice was. From the past so many years, I have had trouble closing the door on some feelings, some people and many emotions. I have taken years to accept that some people were meant to leave my life, and some never intended to stay.

Why is it so hard to close a door on someone we know, will hurt us, now or later?

Why do we feel that block of tightness in our chests, when we think about cutting out people who have hurt us? Why is so difficult to say goodbye in the real sense?

I came across someone recently. He was nice, charming and calm. But as I got to know him better, I realized that he was unclear of his emotions and had this clutter going on inside him, which probably he wasn't even aware of. He seemed too friendly at times. And at some other times, he seemed to narrow down to a formal bracket. We tried to make it work, find a leeway where we both could be ourselves and not hurt each other, but in vain. It simply wasn't meant to be. 

I stopped speaking. For a good one week, ten days. No contact. And I must say, that week, I was the most productive. Because that week, I wasn't wasting my mind over what someone's intentions were. I wasn't wasting my mind over what someone thinks about me. I was just living the moment. 

That week, I painted four canvasses. Back to back. 

And then it dawned on me that, some people are not designed to stay in our lives. We are all different. However hard we try, we cannot force love, relationships and commitment into our lives. These are things that come into our lives only when the time is right, only when they are meant to enter our lives like a fleeting butterfly.

And that's when I realized why I was actually painting this blue door. We are often attracted to things we lack in. I was therefore, attracted to this closed door, which was trying to tell me that I need to learn how to close some doors, however hard it may be to do so.

What do you think? Drop in your comments below. This door is open for you.....💟💟