It's Not That Easy, is It?

The past few weeks of my baby steps into January 2023 were helmed by memorable New Year lights. However, diving in, I was confronted with some soul-stirring dilemmas. I have been a person who is fierce about what I believe in. In most of my speeches, I even tell others to draw their own lines with the essence of what they truly believe in ; core values. 

We must always try to do what feels right for us. We are all wired differently. Each with our own perspectives. 

But is it always that easy to do what feels right to us?

This evening was a rather remorseful one for me. In the past few weeks, I had situations where I had the power to choose the next step of my life. I could see what is right for me and what may bother me with dreary consequences. I could see it all. "Then why the dilemma?", you may ask. 

As I took my decision and drew my line at what I really wanted, the world didn't take it very pleasantly. People ended up with a bittersweet surprise at my sheer courage of taking a clear call. I realized I may be one among the rare species left to stand by what I believe. I was somewhere proud of myself for having taken a tough, informed decision, not fearing the consequences. 

However, it wasn't that easy for me to stick by my decision for long. I started getting calls at odd hours from people who were directly in the realm of the impact of my decision. 

I was convinced, coerced and made to decide otherwise. 

It took me a day or two to realize that it wasn't all that easy to make a choice we feel is best for us in challenging moments. 

Having been someone who advocates fearlessness, I had a sad evening to myself, where I poured in my grief at giving away my power of choice to someone at a stronger position. 

What do we tell ourselves in such times of helplessness? 

I rolled in my bed, all night, chewing my lips, a bad habit that is hard to leave. As anxiety hit me, I tried to find a reason to the situation that seemed way out of my control. I began to pray. 

As I prayed, I realized there are infinite situations that are not under our control in life. And we, mere mortals, are rarely aware of what the universe has for us in the big picture. Maybe, at that point of time, it was best for me to succumb to pressure. Maybe, the winds blowing against me were there for a reason. For what reason, I have no idea and I know there are millions of questions like these that are unanswered in the universe. 

I am a person who looks for logical reasoning. Be it any situation, (except love), I try to join the dots and see the picture before I take the next step. 

As helpless as I felt about not being able to stick to my decision, I also felt a sense of surrender. 

Surrender to the power that keeps us all alive. Surrender to the prayer that reminds us we are nothing but a speck in this universe. Surrender to the fact that; we have no idea about how many journeys our soul has taken, before this very life here. 

l took a deep breath and prayed furthermore. 

As I continue to face my situations now, I have chosen to let some part of my life be 'uncontrolled' and 'unplanned'. 

I am now open to any challenges that life may throw at me. I have realized that our job as humans is only in the effort to stay true to ourselves. The outcome is not in our hands. We can only train ourselves to fly, but we cannot train the winds to fly in our favour all the time. 

Maybe that is what life is ; a mix of decisions and dilemmas. Both of which exist, only to help us move inwards and look within. 

- Snehal Shrivastava